How could I have known?
by Ottawa gal
Summary: After Harry ends the War, a relationship builds between the boy-who-lived and Severus Snape. Will Harry be able to overcome Severus' age issues? HP/SS Depressing, angsty, one-shot


Harry's Best Mistake

Takes place in Harry's 7th year. Both are of Age, both are consenting legal adults.

Not my regular style of story, but I wanted to write about something and this seemed the best way. Yes, it's angsty and depressing... You have been warned ^^

* * *

It was during Harry Potter's seventh year that the boy realized he was falling for his Potion's Professor. The Boy Who Lived had begun looking forward to his Potions class, waiting for the moment that Professor Snape's eyes cast across the room, locking eyes with him. Harry could pin-point the exact moment his hatred of the man turned into something new.

It was after 6th year ended, following the battle against Voldemort where Harry came out the victor. After a long, barely tolerable summer with his relatives, Harry was looking forward to the familiarity of Hogwarts. Harry returned to Hogwarts for his 7th year, unsure of where he was going now that his main goal of his life was complete. He walked into the grand hall and sat himself down at the Gryffindor table, taking stock of the changes everyone went through during the summer.

Hermione had grown out her hair and it seemed to straighten just enough with the weight of it to become tameable, something Harry knew would never happen with his hair. Ron had sported a tan, a rarity for someone with pale skin and red hair, but after hours in the sun every day during summer, he managed the impossible. Ron had finally figured out what he wanted in life and that was to be a Quidditch player. Neville too, had undergone some changes during the summer. His new tan was nothing compared to Ron's but it was obvious that Neville had spent the summer out in the garden working on his magical plants. Rumour had it that Neville was going into an apprenticeship with Professor Sprout and judging by the quiet confidence that shone in his eyes, Harry was sure it was true.

When Harry looked up at the professors, he noted that Dumbledore only gave him a quick glance before continuing his assessment of the students. Anguish buried itself in Harry's chest. He knew that with Voldemort's death, Dumbledore would no longer be guiding Harry, but that glance told Harry much more than that. It told him that he was no longer someone that of value to Dumbledore. Ever since Dumbledore faked his death at the end of 6ht year, Harry had realized just how important the man was to him, but when he returned after the final battle, praising Harry's accomplishment, Harry could feel a distinct loss of something, but he wasn't sure what. But whatever it was that had existed between the two, it was gone.

Harry quickly turned away from these depressing thoughts and went about looking at the other professors. To Dumbledore's left was Professor Snape, who was staring back at him.

Harry quietly stared back, wondering what he'd done to get Snape's attention. The dark eyes just watched him silently, his face relaxed out of its regular scowl. His lips seemed soft to Harry, and his eyes seemed to draw Harry into a trance.

Harry blinked, coming back to himself. 'What the hell!'

Harry chose to ignore his professor for the remainder of the opening feast but that moment, he later surmised, was the exact moment that he first felt something other than hate for that man.

It was another two days till Harry saw Professor Snape again - the first day of potions classes. Both he and Neville had gotten into the class, regardless of their 6th year marks. Harry figured it was because of Voldemort's demise. Everything seemed to change with that event, and Harry wasn't sure if he liked all the changes.

Harry sat himself down with Hermione as Ron had forgone the Potions class after loudly exclaiming "Are you Blarmy?" when Hermione asked him to join.

It seemed Ron wasn't the only student who declined taking potions. The class was half empty even though Harry knew that many other students were accepted in.

The doors of the room slammed shut as Snape made his entrance. 'Even with his spying days gone, he still liked to create a spectacle' noted Harry, smiling softly.

Snape noticed this smile and his brow wrinkled slightly at it before he went into his opening remarks for the year. Harry couldn't help but notice how strong and deep his professor's voice was. And he also couldn't help but wonder if the professor knew Harry was of legal age...

The next couple months were extremely quiet for Harry who was use to the hustle and drama that seemed to occur every year, whether it be from Voldemort, Sirius Black's escape, or the Tri-Wizards' competition. While Harry was very happy with the quiet, he was also edgy and off-balance from the change.

With Christmas coming, Harry found himself more and more fascinated with his potions professor. Yet, he had not yet found the right time to speak to him outside of class. Christmas, he thought, would be the best time to move forward.

He declined Ron and Hermione's invitation to the burrow, convincing them that he needed to get his NEWTS up to date. While Ron seemed a bit put-off, they both believed him as he'd been spending a lot of his spare time with nothing to do but read. Never mind that the book he tended to read was that of the Half-Blood Prince... He'd memorized it front to back...

The night after the student's left for the break was when Harry decided to make his move. Yet... He was reluctant. So he paced back and forth in front of the doors to Snape's private quarters. After a while, he heard a soft noise from the door and looked up. There, he found Snape looking down at him with a slightly amused expression on his face.

"If you wouldn't mind, Potter? You'll damage the stone with that incessant pacing you're doing" he said.

"Ah, Professor! I wanted.. you see, I thought... Maybe? ... cou-" stuttered Harry, his face reddening in embarrassment. Harry gave up, his jaw tightening, and made to leave. But Snape was in the way.

Harry looked at him warily, completely sure he'd made a mistake. He could feel Snape watching him, reading him.

"Come in Potter," said Snape. He opened the door and motioned for Harry to enter. Harry's body responded to the request while his mind seemed incredibly numb. 'This must be what it's like to be in shock' thought Harry blankly as he was led to a chair by the fire.

The two of them sat in silence for a bit while Harry attempted to settle himself and Snape watched him quietly.

"I like you," blurted Harry, disturbing the silence. 'Oh my God! I did not just say that!' thought Harry frantically. He lifted his chin and stared defiantly back at the dark man, pretending that he wasn't fighting the urge to vomit from his anxiety.

"You like me," stated Snape back at him, his face devoid of any expression. Harry nodded, keeping his emerald eyes on the black ones that were watching him carefully.

Snape leaned back in his chair, startling Harry into jumping slightly. Snape watch him, slightly amused. A few moments past and Harry grew fidgety.

Just when Harry's patience was about to end, Snape spoke.

"I cannot deny that I have been thinking of you more often than not," he said. "However, I was not foolish enough to act upon it."

"Foolish?" asked Harry, slightly offended. "How is it foolish? I checked the rule books for Hogwarts. As long as I am 16 or older, I can date any professor." Harry stated defensively.

Snape appeared to be stifling a laugh and Harry was drawn even more towards the man for it.

"I was concerned that you would still hold a grudge against me for the past we've gone through. While I can see that you are not the child I first taught when you came to Hogwarts, I still remain the same man that made your school years... less than phenomenal."

"But... You were doing that because you were a spy," Harry half asked, half stated.

"That is correct, but 6 years is a long time to forgive, Harry."

"I forgive you," replied Harry quickly, who was thinking about how his name had sounded on the professor's lips.

"And so it seems," replied Snape, a soft smile on his face. It would have been invisible to anyone else, but Harry has spent the last few years staring that this exact face that it seemed he could read it better than anyone else, or so Harry liked to think.

"So, how about it then," asked Harry. Snape raised a questioning eyebrow at the teen. "Dating, how about we date?"

Snape tapped his fingers on the side of his chair. "I would be interested in getting to know you better, and time outside of class would seem the most appropriate," he said, teasing evident in his voice.

Harry found it odd that Snape seemed reluctant to call it dating, but he attributed it to Snape's age.

"Wonderful," said Harry, a smile growing on his face.

"Wonderful indeed" responded Snape, his eyes holding a slight softness that was not apparent previously.

The rest of the vacation was peaceful for both Harry and Snape. They spent a lot of time talking and being just spending time in each other's company. At Harry's request, they did not engage in Potion making, but both seemed to find themselves at ease with each other in a matter of a few days. Neither had any plans for Christmas so they decided to spend the day together. The professors seemed to see what was going on, but after a few questioned Snape, they backed off. Well, after a few spells shot at Harry to insure he wasn't being cohered or cursed... And one at Snape that seemed to amuse the dark eyed man.

Harry arrived in Snape's room, keeping himself unnaturally quiet. While Severus never seemed to mind the chattering that came with Harry's personality, he wanted Snape to know that he was serious today, this Christmas.

Snape relaxed into the room, wearing a dark coloured indoor robe that was common to wizards. Harry thought he should get one for Hermione, but he quickly banished the thought. He had more important things to focus on such as the man sitting in front of him, watching him with a slight question in his eyes.

"Severus," said Harry, walking up to the man. Severus looked up at Harry from his seat. "I want to... have sex with you."

Snape blinked then looked back, amusement flashing in his eyes. Harry smiled, gaining confidence. He knew that Snape rarely smiled and it made chest warm up nicely to know that he was the to cause it.

"So formal?" Severus asked, relaxing his shoulders a bit as Harry laced his fingers through Severus' black hair.

"I've had sex with others before, and I've learned that those who are unable to talk about it are usually the ones not ready for it," said Harry, letting his nails trail down Snape's neck towards his back.

"Hmm," replied Snape, leaning forward slightly. He had told Harry that while he had been with women previously, he had not had relations with any man that he was interested in. Harry felt a need to change that.

Harry leaned down and gently kissed the man. He brought his legs onto Snape's and he straddled him, leaning his wiry chest against the older man's. For that moment, Harry realized that he hated robes since he couldn't just lift a shirt to gain access to the man's chest.

Snape seemed to be oblivious to Harry's dilemma though as he worked at Harry's muggle shirt and removed it quickly. His long fingers caressed Harry's lean form and Harry groaned as he felt himself harden.

"Shall we move somewhere more comfortable?" asked Severus, murmuring to Harry. Without waiting for a reply, Severus stood up, holding Harry to him. Harry's legs entangled around Severus' waist as the man walked towards the back room where the bedroom lied. Harry sucked on Severus' neck, causing Severus' breath to catch.

Severus lowered Harry onto the bed, leaning over him. He slowly lowered himself till he was directly above Harry.

"Severus," called Harry, his hands pulling at Severus' robe. Severus leaned further, than with a wave of his wand, removed the clothes from both of them.

Harry could feel the cool air of the dungeon on his sides and he could feel the heat radiating from the man who was above him, staring at him with intense arousal.

Harry wrapped his arms around Severus, pulling him closer. Severus' hand explored Harry, lightly rubbing Harry's cock and rubbing softly around Harry's opening. With one arm holding himself up, Severus slowly inserted a finger into Harry, watching the green eyes as they dilated from the pleasure. He increased the pressure by adding another finger and another wave of Severus' wand left Harry lubricated. Harry shifted slightly and began rocking as much as he could, given Severus' weight on him, while he explored Severus' body himself. He felt Severus jerk slightly as Harry tugged on Severus' dick.

Severus looked down at Harry, making sure he was ready. He then pulled his fingers out of Harry and pulled Harry's legs towards his chest, leaning them by his side. Severus leaned forward and positioned himself before entering Harry gently. Harry grimaced in pleasure as he felt himself widen for Severus.

"Merlin," groaned Severus, and Harry could only agree.

It was a very successful Christmas for the two of them. They both worked at getting increasingly comfortable with each other. As the Christmas break was coming to a close, Harry could feel Snape pull away sometimes, but then things would seem normal again. They continued on, both enjoying each other's company.

The last night before the break ended, Harry decided to tell Severus a bit more about himself. He waited until the two were comfortable and then brought up his cutting.

"You cut," replied Severus, a neutral look on his face.

"Yeah," said Harry. He waited to see if Severus would get angry or tell him to stop, but Severus just took Harry's arm and rubbed the recent scar marks.

"If you need anything, you'll ask?" asked Severus, his dark eyes boring into Harry. Harry could see that Severus wasn't going to get angry, but part of him was upset at the lack of response. He seemed to understand what Harry was doing, but that's not what Harry wanted. He wanted Severus to care enough to tell him to stop.

Severus looked at him a bit more then kissed his forehead. Harry started talking about other things, the Weasleys, his aunt and uncle. He tried to push away his hurt from Severus' reaction.

The week when everyone got back was strange for Harry and Severus. Everyone heard about their relationship. It took some work to get Hermione and Ron to accept it, but the final battle had changed things. They were all more mature from it, and Harry knew they'd accept it once they realized how good Severus was for Harry, and how badly Harry wanted Severus. Ron would still watch Severus carefully, as though watching to see if he made any wrong moves. Severus ignored him for Harry's sake.

Harry could feel Severus drifting away sometimes. It was usually after class when it happened. Severus would seem a bit distant, would talk a bit less, but he always continued to see Harry and spend time with him. It was as though teaching Harry reminded Severus how young Harry was.

The spring break was when the breakup happened. It was Friday night. Severus asked him to come see him after class. Harry had known it was about their relationship, but he needed to pretend otherwise. Maybe he didn't do as well on the last test? Pompey had been marking Harry's potion's tests so that noone could blame favouritism for Harry's marks.

After they were comfortable, Snape straightened himself as though preparing for something. Harry could instantly tell that he wasn't going to be talking about Harry's grades.

"I can't do this Harry."

"Do what?" asked Harry, biting his tongue.

"I cannot continue relations with you."

Harry felt like his stomach dropped out of him. "Why not?" he asked, his voice hollow.

"I can't...-" Harry had never seen Severus at a loss of words before. "I am having a hard time with your age."

"My age?" Harry looked at him. "I've been the same age from the beginning. You were fine with it then, what changed?"

"I was uncomfortable with it, but I expected the discomfort to fade. But it hasn't, Harry."

"We can try longer," said Harry, sounding a bit desperate but not caring.

"I can't Harry, I'm sorry." Severus looked at him, his face blank except for his eyes which showed his anguish – the anguish that only Harry would have been able to see.

Severus got up and left the room, leaving Harry behind to sort himself. Harry both hated and loved the man for that.

The rest of the year went by slowly for Harry. Ron and Hermione would send glares towards Severus, but Severus seemed unaffected. He ignored them and he ignored Harry.

Harry tried to figure it out. He would keep meeting Severus at the entrance of his rooms, pleading with him to talk.

"I'll be 18 soon, you realize," said Harry, trying to convince Severus to take him back. "And it's not uncommon for people our ages to be together, not in the Wizarding world, I looked it up!"

Severus would rub the bridge of his nose, and say how it still bothered him.

"But no one cared about our age! No one, I don't know why you are bothered by it," said Harry. Severus would look away and then head off in another direction.

It hurt Harry every time he was rejected so he started keeping his distance, and talking to Severus as though everything was fine. But he missed the dark man he'd come to love.

The day of graduation was magnificent for all the graduating students. With no war looming, the castle was filled to the brim with visitors from far and wide. The Weasleys treated Harry like a son, for which Harry was very relieved. He had sent an invitation to his Aunt and Uncle but he never expected a reply. But, they had sent a reply. It stated that he was hereby estranged from the family, and was expected to never visit the house again or they'd call the police. It bothered Harry. He was mad that he was still looking for their approval after all these years, and he was hurt that he was still denied.

But the pain from their rejection was soon forgotten over the festivities. Neville's grandmother wore her bird hat to the ceremony and everyone was startled mid-ceremony when the bird suddenly took flight, taking the whole hat with it. Harry saw Fred and George getting lectured from their red faced mother as the audience erupted in laughter.

All and all, the day went well. Harry kept his eyes out for Severus but found him absent after he'd congratulated a few of the graduating Slytherins. Harry bit his lip when Ron looked at him, the redhead instantly knowing what was wrong. Ron dragged him over to the side for a few words with Hermione. If Harry were honest, he'd say the words did help sooth him some.

Another month passed and Harry had moved into an apartment with Hermione and Ron. Every time an owl came, he expected it to be Severus asking to see him. But it was never from him.

After another month of moping, Harry decided he had enough. He took a day off from his Auror training and headed up to Hogwarts. He grew sombre as he walked through the castle that housed him for the last seven years of his life, knowing that he'd never be able to go back to the days as a student. He finally got to the dungeons and found Severus there.

"Severus," stated Harry.

"Potter", he replied, devoid of emotion - except curiosity. Harry could see a bit of curiosity, and hope.

"Oh, common!" cried out Harry. "I've graduated! I'm no longer your student! You can frick'en sit and talk with me, can't you?"

He felt Severus studying him with his dark eyes and he felt somewhat relaxed at the familiar gesture.

"Alright, come in," said Severus, leading Harry into Severus' rooms. The rooms appeared exactly as they had been. Nothing had changed. Harry felt a bit uncomfortable with this. Everything seemed to change once he graduated but it all seemed the same when he was in this room.

"Look, let's have another go at it, ok?" asked Harry. "I'm clearly an adult, legal age, graduated, out in the real world." Harry rolled his eyes a bit as he said this, knowing that he was an adult when they first got hooked up.

"Alright."

Harry stilled then looked back at Severus. "Alright?"

"Alright," smiled Severus.

Harry smiled back at him and was suddenly filled with relief.

"And this time, if you're having problems, you'll tell me before they build up?" asked Harry, raising both his eyebrows at Severus to make his point clear.

"Yes," replied Severus, a small smile on his lips. "Realize that I am trying this out though. I am still unsure about your age... But I would like to try."

Harry grinned back at him. "That'll work for me."

The make-up sex was great. When Harry plunged himself into Severus, he felt like he was in the wrong position, but it still felt great. However, both agreed that Harry suited the bottom much more. Harry half wondered if he tried the top position just to see if Severus would let him. After that odd, but pleasant experience, Harry found himself being fucked hard by Severus who seemed to be trying to reclaim his dominance over Harry. Harry was not complaining in any way.

Their relationship continued to grow. Harry knew things were still adjusting for Severus and sometimes Severus would go quiet but then he'd start acting normal again and everything felt fine. They decided not to move in together for a while though as they didn't want to rush it. Well, Severus didn't want to rush it; Harry was fine with marrying the man any time.

A few months after getting together, Harry convinced Severus to come to his apartment for dinner. Ron was making spaghetti so Harry thought it would be a great way to get both Ron and Severus to get along. The dinner went surprisingly well as both Hermione and Ron kept themselves from being hostile to the man who made Harry cry. Severus was equally polite and made easy conversation with Hermione about a project she was working on for the Department of Mysteries. He even teased her about her working for the department she helped almost destroy a few years ago, that fateful night that Harry lost Sirius.

Ron and Harry were chatting with each other loudly and both Severus and Hermione stopped talking for a bit to listen in.

"It was such a surprise, seeing Nicky boy there! Trying out for my team!" Ron said, rolling his eyes as his hands gestured widely.

"I know, what's he expect, that you'd let him back? After he was sent off? He should have known better than to say those things to you. Telling you what you had a few things to learn still? As if he'd know. He was what, on the team for only one year longer then you?"

"Yeah, I know. I don't need him telling me how to improve; I was good enough to get on the team, wasn't I? I'm so glad I got him taken out of the team. Just complained that he was watching the girls a bit too closely, and wham, he was taken off the team."

"Ronald! You didn't!"

"Come on Hermione, he was making me feel like a newbie! As if I haven't been playing Quidditch for 4 years already," said Ron. Harry was beside him, nodding his head in agreement.

Severus watched the exchange and became quiet afterwards. Harry just figured Severus was getting tired. The both went to bed early that night, but things were fine the next day.

Thing went downhill for the couple when they went to a Hogwarts graduate's dinner. There were many Hogwart's professors and former students who all opted to go drinking at Rosmerta's place. Harry and Severus were sharing seating and enjoying each other's presence as conversations flew around the room. Neville, no longer scared of Severus, brought the two of them into conversation.

"I had heard that relationships like yours were hard to manage, with the age difference and all. Got any tips? There's this girl l like at my new job but she's about your age Severus, and I want to make it work," said Neville, blushing a bit as he asked.

Neither Harry nor Severus knew how to answer so the question was left hanging in the air till another conversation pulled Neville in. Harry felt Severus tense behind him when the question was asked but Harry was too scared to say anything.

The night was overly cold, considering it was only the end of August. Harry sat with his back against the wall near the fireplace, hoping to warm up a bit.

"Harry, I can't do this," said Severus, his voice only an octave above a whisper. Harry's eyes flashed in anger.

"And why not?" Harry hissed as he clenched his hands into fists. "Let me guess, you can't be with someone my age, right? Is it that again?"

Severus pursed his together then closes his eyes resigned. "Yes."

"We discussed this, you said you were fine!" said Harry angrily. "Why'd you get back together with me then?"

"I had told you when we got back together that this issue still persisted. I have tried to overcome it," Severus replied, looking at Harry's angry expression. "But I could not. I apologize Harry, I did not mean for you to get hurt."

"Well, I am. And I think you're being an idiot!" snarled Harry. Harry shook his head in confusion at his lover. "So what, you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes."

Hurt crossed Harry's face when he heard the quick answer but it quickly faded back to anger.

"It's only been a few months since we got back together!"

"I thought I was ok with it, but I can't Harry. I tried, but each time I see you, I see how young you are. I went to school with your mother! If you were 3 years younger, I would have been sent to Azkaban for what I've done with you!"

"But I'm not, I am 19 now!"

"I'm sorry Harry, truly". Harry could see the sorrow in the man's eyes, but Harry no longer cared that he was likely the only person who could read Severus' emotions so well.

"Fine," Harry snarled. He got up and left Severus standing alone in his chambers.

That was over a year ago now. Harry had moved on, dated others, but he never knew quite what to make of his past lover, Severus. Sometimes he would write to Severus, just to keep himself in touch but the letters were never returned. Harry would keep an eye on Hogwarts from his broom and sometimes he would catch glimpses of Severus as he patrolled the school but Harry no longer tried to talk to him.

Harry hoped, that as time went on, the pain would continue to fade away.

The End


End file.
